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Deus Contende  Well, I will start by telling you what happened to me on the way home today. I was driving home from school and got off the freeway. As I was parked underneath the overpass, a pigeon landed on the back windshield of my car. I thought it would fly away once I started moving again, but it stayed on my car for the five miles until I got home, moving back and forth from my roof to my trunk and back while I was driving. It flew away when I got out of my car, so it could fly and wasn't injured. I took pics, isn't modern technology cool? Keep in mind these were taken with my phone while I was driving, so they aren't the best, but pretty good for over the shoulder work. Other people where taking pictures of me and my car as I was driving, which was really very weird.    In other news, I am dealing with looking for graduate schools. This is something totally new for me. It is totally different than finding an undergraduate school and I probably should have started looking for one a little sooner. I guess it is lucky I have to take another semester at ASU because I prolly wouldn't have been ready to get into a graduate school in time. I am thinking of getting a Masters degree in International Relations, and then maybe getting one in Religion and Conflict. The second MA would narrow my college choices down, because not as many Universities offer that Masters as offer International Relations, and I would like to go to the same University to get both. My first choices for Universities are all in England. There are a couple of good schools there that offer the degrees I want. I think it would be better to get a different approach rather than always hearing the American point of view. I love England also, so that would be a bonus. It will also allow me to travel, I hope, although I am not sure how much free time I will have. It is raising problems because this will be a bigger move than just going to another city. Plus. there is cinder, my dog. She is my baby girl and I will want to take her with me. I couldn't leave her behind, but that just complicates housing and immigration and all kinds of stuff. England does seem to be a good choice because it is a little bit cheaper (the University, not the living lol) and generally the degrees are obtained faster, in only one year, so it will be pretty fast paced work. My next step is to take the GRE. I am a little worried, because my GPA is not the best and I will have to rely on the GRE to show off my talents. Luckily, I do extremely well on standardized tests. I took a practice GRE and got 680 on verbal (english) and 620 on quantitative (math), 93 percentile and 57 percentile respectively. That means I did better than 93 percent of the people who took the test on the english part and better than 57 percent on math. Not to bad, although I would like to raise the verbal to at least 95 and the math to 75. I haven't taken math in over ten years, so I have forgot a lot of the formulas. It doesn't matter that much, since my Masters degrees don't involve math and the entrance advisers won't look at those scores, but I would like to have it be a little more well rounded. I have been reviewing the math, so hopefully I will do better when I take the test on March 4, 2006. Well, that is just about it, not much else is happening, which is amazing because I seem to always be busy. I am looking forward to a weekend when I don't have to run around and can just be lazy. Well, it's been a while. It was my last first day of normal school. I don't consider next semester to be normal because I will only have to take one class. It went pretty good. I was late of course. I left early, but I guess there is a difference between starting school at 9:15 and 12:15, stupid commuters. I am a little worried, things may have gone a little to smooth today. I only had to get one override, and actually registering for the class went like clock work. It hasn't been this easy to get my classes in at least half a decade. I also have two classes that I am taking solely for my own pleasure. It is expensive, but I hope it will be worth it. The first is Human Sexuality. It is upper division, more than just the intro stuff, so it should be pretty interesting. I was not sure if I would take it, I had to see how much work would be involved, but only tests and no writing. Not much writing at all in any of my classes, just one big 20 pager and a small 10 pager, so this will be a cake walk of a semester. There is also an advanced human sexuality class, which might be a cool follow up, but forking over 800 dollars for it will prolly be a stretch next semester. I already have to figure out where the money is going to come from to pay for the class that I need, but I have 8 months to figure that out, so I have time. The second class is current issues in mormonism. I am really excited about it, but no one seems to share the excitement with and for me, which just goes to show that most people don't pay as much attention to me as they should. My best friend understands, but he doesn't count. He has to understand, otherwise he wouldn't be my best friend. All in all, looks like it might be a good semester, so I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was almost hubris telling people that I would graduate this spring, and ASU saddled me with another semester, so I am a little worried something will happen. Oh well Not much else is happening, finished moving my mum up to her house, it just snowed after I got back down here, so I am glad I missed that. It is starting to get down to crunch time for me to figure out what I am going to do after I graduate, GRE and graduate school and all. I have no clue where even to start, so it is off to ASU counseling I go. maybe, just once, they will have a clue, although I will not hold my breath. I am thinking of getting another dog, so cinder has someone to play with. I am hesitating however. Responsibility wise, feeding, walking, cleaning up after and the like, two dogs aren't much harder than one, and financially it is pretty much the same also, but I am still hesitating, and I don't know why. I have owned four dogs in my life, three of which were essentially dropped at my door step, so there was no choosing or thinking about it. I always have a problem picking up strays, animal or human. My first dog was a choice, but it was from a relatives litter and there were only two puppies left too choose from. We should have taken both. I was to young, 10, for the decision to get a dog to really be mine, so this one is all on me. I haven't figured out why I am hesitating yet, why it seems like such a big decision to make. The shelter that cinder came from ahas a couple of litters and young animals up for adoption, so I will go with them if I decide yes, cinder is a great dog and I am glad I have her, but I am still hesitating. I have to figure out what the problem is and make a choice. I think that maybe I will set myself a deadline of next week to make my decision, but still I don't see why it is so hard. I just watched The Shield. It is sad that I look forward to watching it every year. They only make about 7 or eight episodes each season, so I have to wait months for each season. It honestly isn't even my favorite show, I just never know where they are going to go with it, and I want to know what will happen. Soap operas suck. I also went to a GSA, Gay Straight Alliance, meeting today, which a friend of mine got me involved with. Been going for a while. My ex's ex actually was a member for a while, what a small world. It is at MCC, a community college, so it is not even my school, and I can't be a full member of the club. The officers they elected for this semester are lost, and it is driving me crazy. A couple have potential, but the prez seems worthless. Oh well, I will try and lend some help, although I am a little too control happy to let myself run wild there. Well, that is about it, I haven't been online as much with school being out so maybe now I will update a bit more Comparative analysis of world religious philosophies Taoism......................Shit happens Confucianism................Confucius say "Shit happens" Buddhism....................If shit happens, it isn´t really shit Zen.........................What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism....................This shit happened before Islam.......................If shit happens, it is the will of Allah Protestant..................If shit happens to me, it´s because I didn´t work hard enough Catholic....................If shit happens, you deserve it Judaism.....................Why does this shit always happen to us? Atheist.....................Shit happens for no apparent reason Jehovah´s Witnesses.........Let us in, and we´ll tell you why shit happens Scientologist...............Feces occur Hare Krishna................Shit happens shit happens shit shit happens Pagan.......................Shit is part of the goddess, too! Rastafaraianism.............Let´s smoke this shit Agnostic....................Shit may happen, but it doesn't matter Mormons.....................One day, we will make shit happen Well, this is going to be all over the place I was yelled at for not posting that much, but all I have to say is tough, I really don't do diaries, especially ones that everyone can read. Normally what I post is something I find interesting about myself or personal messages to people. That said here goes It is the end of school and I have had finals, just finished my last one 40 minutes ago, so I have been too busy to keep up with everyone, and it looks like the world all just went to hell. There seems to be a lot of drama out there, I don't know how you guys can handle it. Despite what is going on in my life, dealing with my relationship with God, being single and lonely, being not just poor but broke in the one time of the year that I spend money like it is nothing, and fighting the evilness that is Arizona State University, I am in a good mood, at peace with the world and myself and generally seem to have a cheery outlook on things. I am almost bubbly, or as bubbly as I can get. I know, I kinda hate myself for it too. I have know clue where all this happiness is coming from. It looks like I won't be graduating in spring. I will need one more class, which I can't take in the spring, so I will have to wait until fall. This of course, is my fault. I set plans, told everyone I was graduating, and ASU just dragged me back in. Hubris and all. Now I don't know what to do. I had something of a plan, but this wrecks things. I have to figure out some way to make a living now past May. Instead of graduating, perhaps moving and getting a new job, I now have to find some means of support from May until December when I can graduate. I may just devote more time to selling the books, but I don't know if that will work or not. I should know by February or March though. I love Christmas. I love the whole season, the time of the year, the weather, the holiday. Generally, this is also my favorite religious holiday. Easter has little meaning for me because I don't really see how it applies to me. (see earlier posts to understand my views on the whole salvation thing) I love Christmas songs, but this year it has been a little different. There are a couple of songs that have always made me emotional, Little Drummer Boy being the number one song, but there are a couple more that get me there also. Take Christmas Shoes, that has me bawling. This year almost all the songs have gotten me emotional. I think it is part of this whole new me, the one that lets his feeling show, which is getting very annoying. I think it is also part of the spiritual crisis/awakening/epiphany that I am going through as I deal with me feelings toward God. Finally, I love Rent. I know that I have changed and become open to more things, but I like to think I would have loved it anyway. The soundtrack is becoming my favorite album. I normally only like a couple songs on an album, only a few artists can keep my attention for everything that they record, Metallica, Midnight Oil, Linkin Park, Enya and Soul II Soul being a couple of them. Rent's soundtrack is starting to rival And Justice for All for me though, which for those of you that know me really well, and I doubt any of you will be reading this, except maybe one, that is a major development. Anyway, I recommend watching the musical, watching the movie and buying the soundtrack. I also recommend listening to the songs Christmas Shoe's and Little Drummer Boy. Winston Marsalis and the Vienna Boys Choir have the two best versions in my opinion. Merry Christmas to all, I hope that you all get what you deserve, and most of what you want. Let me start by saying Texas is huge, I mean really huge. It is farther to go from El Paso to San Antonio than Phoenix to El Paso. All that driving allowed me to think a lot though. I really enjoyed my small vacation, I think it was well worth the trip. Met some people I liked, which is always nice. More importantly, I met someone that actually impressed me, which doesn't happen very often. As to my thinking, being alone for 15 hours of driving allows a lot of introspection. On the way from Tuscon to Phoenix, I just listened to one song over and over again, Chop Suey by System of the Down. I am not sure what they meant by the song, but I have come up with my own meaning for it. Anyway, I pretty much just thought about how much I really hate God. That truly sucks. It would be nice to just be an atheist or even an agnostic, but I don't think that is possible for me. I know I can never be a happy born again believer, it just is not in the cards for me. I still believe in God, yet I hate him and believe he is a mean, vindictive, vengeful asshole. This doesn't do much for my whole spiritual self. I think I may write a story to try and work this out or maybe to just try and describe how I feel. Not sure if I will, I have three fifteen-page papers that are going to come due soon, so my time is not that free. Oh well, we shall see. Well, haven't posted in a while. Thought I should. Life is interesting. I have been talking with my friends, and they keep asking me why I was with Jarrad. I find it hard to describe how he made me feel, only that I was happy when I was with him, that I think I was and am a better person because of him. I thought that I had found someone to complete me, to be my other half. The problem is of course now I don't know what t think. I have been arguing with people for a while over motives, mainly his. I supported Jarrad for almost a year because he had no job, no money, no car, no house. He did finally get a job, but it was one I chose for him, and it turned out to be a disaster. After that, he was in and out of the work force. We had our problems, and we weren't rich, but I think I, or maybe we, tried to work with what we had, or at least I thought we did. I used to tell people that no, Jarrad was not using me as his meal ticket, I was not just his sugar daddy, he truly loves me and he/we are just going through a tough time and he/we will come out of it together. I truly believed that, but now that Jarrad tells me that he never really loved me, I don't know what to think anymore. My friends have almost convinced me that I was totally wrong. I guess I can say that at least I don't believe he did it on purpose. I guess the whole using me thing does explain a lot though. One of the things that I never understood was when he cheated on me the second time. The first time was early in our relationship, and I forgave him that. The second time though, that was after we had already had problems, we had talked about them and I thought we understood each other. We had been together for a long time. After I caught him, we talked and he told me two things that I didn't understand, but which I guess make sense if he didn't love me and was just using me. The first, that he had no clue why he did it. He said he hadn't wanted to, and he regretted it, but that he did it anyway. The second was that he couldn't promise me that he wouldn't do it again. Since he didn't know why he did it, nor could he stop himself that time, he didn't want to promise that he wouldn't do it again because it was a possibility. I guess that was being honest at least. I thought it was just his impulsiveness, his problems with self control, but now I think maybe not. I prolly should have broke up with him right there, but I loved him so much, I didn't want to lose what we had or guess now what I thought we had. The using part makes sense also because I supported him financially, essentially the whole time we were together. There were times when he was working, and I guess that did help out, but even just the simple chores of taking care of the house were up to me, and of course they didn't get done most of the time. My friends are trying to get me to realize how much I spent on us during that time. It was a lot. Part of that is how I try and show my feelings, so can't blame him. I have trouble being physically demonstrative, so I try and make up for that by being traditionally romantic, flowers, romantic dining, candy, that sort of thing and also with presents. Unfortunately, that is not Jarrad's way of seeing love or affection. All the presents I got for him were essentially worthless I guess, the Computer, PSP, shelf system, even tried a scooter lol; he just took them all in stride. Even when I tried to get him things I knew he would like like Green day CDs, Phantom Tickets, Hannibal the Musical or things he would find useful like a storage case for his art supplies or even just small stuff like Dr. Pepper and caramel candy, it never seemed to show him I cared, he never believed it then and he still doesn't believe it now. Hopefully, my next relationship will be different, I am working on better expressing my emotions, so hopefully that won't be a problem again. I have been thinking of money quite a bit lately. ASU, as usual, is giving me shit, this time over student loans, so right now next semester is up for grabs. I think I have it all straightened out. I hope I do. One of the reasons I don't think that Jay was doing the gold digging thing on purpose was that he wanted me to quit my job and to concentrate on school. He said he was going to support me the way I supported him, so I quit my job. I know he is not that mean to have done that just to screw with my life, despite what some people have told me. lol (it has gotten really hard to defend you now Jay :-P) Anyway, that has made money tight now, without his support. I don't know if I am bitter over that or not. I don't think so, I made my choice, I think I can live with it. Now my friends have me thinking about the money me and Jarrad had and the money that I spent, about all the overdrafts, the car accidents and tickets, things that aren't really part of the normal relationship I guess. (You should see the difference in the power bill from last year September to this one lol). I did get a new car out of it though, so I guess not everything was bad :-) I don't know, the way my friends talk, I should hate him, I should not ever want to talk to him again, but I just can't do that. I do admit I am bitter. It seems like the whole point of my life, what gave it meaning for two years was based on a lie. I never used to think back upon our relationship with regret, but know they have me thinking that I was just used, and it makes me have second thoughts. It is a little sad really. I used to have so many good memories that I could ignore the bad ones. Now even the good memories feel dirty and tainted. I think my friends are a bad influence on me, with this change in my thinking and the fact that I haven't partied this much in a long time. It is nice getting out though, I just wish I had someone special to share it with. Surprisingly, my bitterness hasn't turned my off of relationships, like some of my friends. I figure if you are afraid of getting hurt, then you can never find love. Even more surprisingly, I think I would do the same thing that I did for Jarrad for another person, for a new perspective partner. I believe that friendship, that love, is all about what you are willing to do for that person. You should be able to give your all for them, to support them and be there for them. I failed part of that with Jay, I didn't know how to be there for him emotionally I guess. I tried to support him with his goals though, which he lost. He is an amazing artist, and I hope he is able to develop that fully. Finally, this week sucks. I have to go up to my Mum's house twice, have a paper due tomorrow, test on thurs and I was going to drive to Texas to visit Tim this weekend. It was going to be a hectic week. However, Tim is freaking out and I am having a hard time getting a hold of him, so not sure about this week. I don't know if it is his problems or if he just doesn't want to talk. I hope and pray that he is alright and that everything turns out well for him. Stole this from a french guy, not sure if it is a song or not, but I liked it, so posted it I'm not a perfect person There's many things I wish I didn't do But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I'm sorry that I hurt you It's something I must live with everyday And all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away And be the one who catches all your tears Thats why i need you to hear I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is You I'm not a perfect person I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I've found a reason to show A side of me you didn't know A reason for all that I do And the reason is you 11-09-05 P.S Well, I just looked at the lyrics again, and it hit me, it is a song and I should have recognized which one. Didn't get it until I started singing the lyrics instead of reading them. :-P I had an interesting conversation with Bojan, my Serbian theologian. We were talking, and essentially my testimonial came out. First, let me say what we we were talking about, then I will paste it in. It started with what is required for forgiveness. Repentance, which is feeling the regret for the past sin, knowing that it can and will be forgiven if we ask with honest heart, and most importantly, promising/desiring not to return to the same sin again (Bojan put that well I think). Now, I went to a Christian school from the time I was 5 until I was 18, so forgiveness was always an important part of my life. I always desired it and was told it was what I needed. I still consider myself a Christian, although I don't follow a certain creed or dogma, but find my own path. Being gay and Christian has shaped a major part of my worldview. What I was taught and what I am clashed, and this testimonial is what I arrived at. I believe in God, my creator, but I don't love him. In the words of Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon in response to Danny Glover saying God hates me, "Hate him back, it works for me." Here is the paste I used to feel regret for my being gay. And by gay, I mean having sexual thoughts about guys. As we know, having the thoughts is the same as committing the action. I would ask for forgiveness. However, I could never promise not to do it again because I knew I definitely would. There is no stopping it. That means there would be no forgiveness given since there was no true repentance. Now supposedly God gives you no test that you are unable to endure. With his help, you are supposed to be able to accomplish anything. However, apparently I did not want it enough because I never was given the ability to bear my cross, to handle my "sin" and to not transgress again. Therefore I will always sin in this one way. I have no way to control it by myself and there appeared to be no help given by God. Now, I suppose I could have waited longer and given him more time, he does work in his own way and in his own fashion, but I figure that asking for this help from the time I was seven until I was about 23 or so is enough time. I have accepted my fate, the fact I do not have the strength to combat it. I don't believe that I want to combat it anymore. I see God as vindictive and mean, that he has set rules that I cannot possibly follow, that he has rigged the game against me. I refuse to play anymore. I therefore just thank God for the life I have, the chance I have to enjoy what he has made for me and to live my life to be the best I can, although sometimes I don't try hard enough, lol, and to let what come what may. Any afterlife is not my choice, but his. I liked what I said when I wrote that to Bojan, so I decided to put it up on here. It explains my motto and personal creed, Genesis 22:30, Matthew 27:46 and Luke 23:46. Nothing like cherry picking from different parts of the Bible :-P motto Deus Contende Struggle with God, that is the actual meaning of the word Israel my creed Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? Pater in manus tuas commendo spiritum meum My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? Father into your hands I commend my Spirit. Happy Halloween Everyone, Stay Safe Current music: Chop Suey-System of the Down. Well, I think I will just ramble a bit. I will write little mini letters to people also. First, Jarrad. Life sucks. that is just the way things are. you have to learn to deal with it. I still love you, and want you back, but after one of our conversations, the one that prompted one of my prior entries to you, I realize it won't happen. I need you to change, to realize your faults and want to correct them, and I don't know if you are capable of that, at least not right now. So, don't worry about me, I am looking for another. As to Kit, go to him. You two make a good couple. As to the life partner thing, it does hurt me somewhat. Go back to your lj about a year or so ago and read them, seriously do it. You were saying the same things about me. Don't rush it, take things slow, the future is always undetermined. Hey Tim, my scruffy little fox, Veterans day is Nov 11, don't you have some army parades or something to do on those days? lol I will try and call on Sunday, see if we can't work something out Kit, hang in there. It does get better, it does numb, but it will never go away. let your friends carry you right now, don't walk on your own. Love sucks. Or rather, emotions do. Life shouldn't be this hard. Well, I don't mind life being hard, you should have to work for food and shelter. Damn it though, finding a partner shouldn't be this complicated. Other than still being in love with my ex, I have other people I am interested in. Unfortunately, they all have problems. I have met some cool people though. The one that is my fav is a guy in Texas. Unfortunately, as an added bonus to the distance problem, he already has a partner, although that is a little shaky, the partner is HIV + and they have been going together for only a short time. They do care for each other, so I wouldn't want to break that up, I despise home wreckers. I may have just scared him away though, lol, I performed a nice little sex chat for him, my first, while he j/o, and he may have enjoyed it a little too much. I think he may be worried about his relationship now, as he actually likes me for some silly reason. :-) We would prolly try and date if he wasn't partnered. I don't know if it would work, he is a little on the wild side and I am a little on the anal/boring side, so we might clash. Got me thinking of the song in my subject line. I am debating whether I should meet him when I go to Texas next month. Prolly a bad idea, so I don't think I will, but I can be stupid sometimes, so we will have to see. What is really fun, and thank God/Fate/Destiny/Universe/Whatever for this, he is the closest one too me. lol There is a guy in Boston, a guy in Turkey, a guy in England, and a cute guy in Serbia (but he is a different case, I will come to him in a bit) Anyway, all these guys are ones that I like for more than just their pretty faces. Good conversation, interests in common, generally nice people. But they are so far away. :-( They are all people I would want to date and look at seriously. I believe I have to actually be with someone, meet them in person and see if we work together before I could make any sort of relationship claims, so they are all pretty much out. Now this guy in Serbia is interesting. I just met him. How is it that you furs always seem to find me? Do I put out a scent or something? He is not a fur really, just on the fringe like I was. lol Anyway, I am surprised how much of our interests we have in common. I don't know if I would date him if he were Arizona, although he is very cute. He has his own struggles right now. I think he might be more of good friend material. I hope so, he is pretty cool. I respect him for his faith and convictions, as I respect any deeply religious person. He wants to be a priest, but can't. He is Orthodox and their priests have to marry. Doesn't want to convert to RC, although he does seem to be trying the whole celibate thing, lol, so he is a little lost at the moment. I hope he can find happiness here on earth, as well as in the afterlife. Well, maybe not happiness, just peace. I think he may be at where I was when I was 16 or 17. I did not come out of that phase of my life until I was 26, so I hope it goes better for him than it did for me. Deus Contende my friend, that is all we have. Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani. Deus meus Deus meus ut quid dereliquisti me. Pater in manus tuas commendo spiritum meum. What else can you do? (all that hebrew and latin is going to be my next tattoo btw. It has become my motto. I need to find someone to draw it for me. Tim? Jarrad? anyone?) I wonder what I am watching. lol I seem to have a knack for finding people I like who are in other states, countries, in relationships, or in love with other people. Life is so much fun. I guess it should give me hope that there is someone else out there for me. :-) Unfortunately, I am not patient, and want someone right now. lol I have had some interesting conversations with a couple people now about spirituality and religion. Maybe God is trying to say something to me. *shakes hand at the sky* I am not sure I am prepared to listen, nor if I really care what it is that is being said at the moment. I think I have formulated my own way of living, my own path of spirituality, which while ever changing, at least allows me to live without going insane. But that is a very long conversation that I can have with anyone who is interested. lol I haven't decided yet if fate is just teasing me at the moment or trying to make me feel better. God I love dewey. It would be nice to be able to take his control of life, his ability to take bad things and make them work for him. Anyway, just figured I should write something, haven't in a while |
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